Finding My Way Home

Occasionally we all get a little lost. I’ve been lost for the past few months. I’ve been overwhelmed and for some reason I felt the need to reinvent myself, my look, my stories….

I ‘ve felt like I was in a bit of a holding pattern, in which I’d been told we were being watched, in which people told me they had big expectations for me and some started telling me what they thought I should stand for, how they thought I should look.  Generally, I’ve always gone with my gut and listened to my heart, but after a bad break up swept the carpet out from under my feet, I was left feeling totally lost.  Not really sure who I was or who I wanted to be. Horrified at myself for having let myself fall into what clearly was an unhealthy and emotionally abusive relationship.  How could I let myself do that again? Was there something wrong with me?  Was there something I needed to fix about myself? Should I really trust myself and my own instincts? And admittedly, my writing poised a huge factor in our break up, so I started making it less of my personal story and more about the events whirling around me.  And with that I started getting a little fluffy in my writing and occasionally a little tartish in my attire.  In my mind, my writing has become a little flat and artificial and I’ve felt more than a little flat and artificial.

I get asked all the time, how I am going to make money with my writing?  Where is my funding model?  Well, I started writing for fun, to process my thoughts, and to grow as a person.  When I moved it online, it was for inspiration and drive to finish my first novel.  It was not to become a marketing tool or an advertisement, and while no one is paying me to write about this product or that, I do fear that that is what I am becoming.

Feeling especially like this with the Olympics, as Brie and Mario and I decided to let as many people as possible know about the fun and free of the Olympics.  So we’ve been trying to collect as much content as possible and firing it up as quickly as possible.  I’ve gotten tired and the story has really suffered.  Has it been a complete waste?  No.  It has been a good training ground for Mario and an extremely good reminder to Brie and I on what it is that we are doing. So I think we are going to regroup tonight on our 3 am team building trip to Grouse Mountain and remind ourselves of what this is really about.  Having some fun and telling the story of the people we meet that help us to process our own stories in this wacky world.  While yes, we may still mention the odd event at the Olympics, I don’t that our guide will be quite so full.  Now the Olympic language guide on the other hand ….

And a huge thank you to my wonderful family and friends that are not afraid to tell me when they think I’ve lost my path (or, in the case of my family, are concerned that I have started to have dressing like a tramp).

Kisses,

Emme xoxo

My 2010 New Year’s Resolution

Some of you may have noticed that the Autumn of 2009 got a wee bit unhealthy for me. I worked too hard and didn’t take care of me, despite reminders from Jennifer and Rob that my well being was the most important thing at the end of day.  I did hear them, but their would always a more pressing matter that needed my attention whenever I’d scheduled ‘me time’, and as a result I ignored my needs.  I didn’t get enough fresh air, exercise or eat as healthily as I normally do.

I am resolving to change this in the New Year.  I have to change this in the New Year for my own health.  You see, all that unhealthy living has resulted in my feeling quite uncomfortable, as my belly has grown uncomfortably large, and the good doctor tells me it is dangerous for ones heart to carry too much around your waist.

This doesn’t change my philosophies on body images. I still don’t believe in dieting, but rather am a fan of healthy living, including good food and exercise. And I think bodies of all shapes, sizes and ages can be beautiful and sexy. My body, however, is feeling uncomfortable and unhealthy to me, so it’s time for a change and hence, a New Year’s Resolution.

My New Year’s Resolution: To return to my normally toned and healthy feeling self.

How: By getting fresh air and exercise at least 6 days a week and eating healthily.

Evaluation: To stick to my goals, stay on task and for added incentive, I will be photo documenting this New Year’s resolution every two weeks on flickr. Come cheer me on.

Any of you that have New Year’s Resolutions of your own and want a bit of incentive, accountability and support, come and join the 2010 New Year’s Resolution Group I’ve set up on flickr.

Love and Light,

Emme xoxo

Just Chillin’

Speeding along at a crazily busy rate just at the moment and every so often I need to remind myself to chill. I don’t and can’t do everything all the time. Jennifer reminds me of this, as do my friends at Preventable, yet I keep trying to do it all and kick myself when it is not done in as timely a fashion as I’d like.  I think I need a mantra of “A am not a superhero, I am human. Sleeping and eating are a necessity. And maybe every once and a while a day off would be good.”  My health is not worth anything less.

And on that note, I think I need to get to know these gentlemen:

mmmm…..

Mature

The last couple of weeks , I’ve been having to make some very tough decisions.  I’m always reminded at times like this how lucky I am to have such great and incredibly supportive friends and family in my life. And more recently to be working with a wonderful personal coach, like Jennifer Priest.  This year has been filled with so many changes and Jennifer has been helping to make sure they are positive ones.

The debonair and thoughtful Stefan, recently sent me this word play on my name:

Very sweet of him and amidst a lot of tough decisions this brought a smile to my face.  I just didn’t get why Stefan would see me as ‘mature’, especially since I like to think of myself as a modern day Peter Pan.  Then I thought about the last few weeks and the decisions that were facing me and I got it.  Even though, I am having more fun then ever and enjoy a lot of laughter and silliness, I, in part enjoy that because I’ve grown up.

A big thank you to Stefan and Jennifer for allowing me to see that maturing is a good thing!

Menilations

The last two weeks I’ve been barraged with the notion that men are far deeper beings then they often let on.

When the chips are down as women, we often seek each others companionship out to vent, drink, cry in each others arms and let loose.  I certainly have those gal pals and when I had a bit of a stumble a few weeks back, it was those gals that were there to help pick me up, dust me off and apply the bandages. I don’t know what I would have done without them.

I, however, am also the girl thats grown up as the tomboy, meaning that I have a certain ease and comfort with men that has meant that some of my best friends are also guys.  The guys were there too.  They hugged me, listened to me, and handed me the hard liquor, but I couldn’t really talk to them about what was going on.  They’d just get mad and seemed somewhat irrationally overprotective of me.  It was nice to know that I was loved, but didn’t go so well with me talking it through and I tend to have a habit of processing aloud.

At any rate, as I have returned to a more zenful state of being thanks to my friends (both male and female), family, Jennifer Priest and the most loving little cat, I’ve had a bit more of a chance to reflect, and have started to recognize why the men in my life were so mad and it went far deeper then just simply their feelings of love and protectiveness towards me, and here I simply chalked it up to them being irrationally overprotective initially.  I also started realizing how deeply they really understood me, seeing far below the surface.

Perhaps the two that this rang deepest with were my Dad and one of my oldest buddies.  Dad’s been trying to tell me to slow down and take a holiday for weeks in a subtle manner and I didn’t  realize just how badly I needed it until I burst into tears when he said it more directly on the phone the other day.  Thinking maybe I should have listened to him a bit sooner.  And then there was my old buddy, who kept telling me I needed to start writing even if I didn’t publish what I wrote.  I didn’t want to as when I’m feeling raw, I am most honest with myself, vulnerable and reflective when I’m writing and I wasn’t sure I could handle that, was scared of what I  might discover and of the emotions that might come with it.

Well, I had to start writing Thursday  in my coaching prep form for @JenniferPriest and I was amazed in the session that followed at the realizations that came out.  Feeling a whole lot stronger now and ready to start cautiously writing again.  Also going to start doing a little more listening to what the men in my life are saying.  They are far more insightful and deeper then I think I gave them credit for.

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