Week One: The Beginning Shot to the New Year's Resolution

Some of you will remember my New Year’s Resolution to tone this up for my own well being, and will also remember that that DOESN’T mean dieting, but rather healthy living – good food, fresh air and exercise.  The good food part comes easily to me. Unlike concern over increased consumption of processed food on the CBC, I was brought up on home cooking and have taken that into my adult life. Where I’ve been struggling is that although I grew up outdoors, more and more I spend my days working in sedentary conditions at a computer, and whilst I started the year out with a healthy dose of fresh air and exercise, that went downhill with the month long Olympic Party, fueled with a healthy dose of hops and barley.  So as I revisited my Wheel of Life with my personal coach, Jennifer Priest, the other week, I noticed that I am still struggling to find a healthy balance in fun and recreation (which I consider to include exercise) and romance. And I think the two go hand in hand. I need to get OUT and be active way more than I am.

My Wheel of Life: January 2010

Some of you will recall that I’ve been experimenting with online dating for the past year or so, and whilst I was meeting some lovely men, it wasn’t really working for me.  Partially because I am a romantic and this was a rather contrived way to meet people, and partially because I spend my days working online and the last thing I want to do at night is to go back to the computer to create a personal life for myself.  It wasn’t working and I told Jennifer as much in our last session.  She had some great alternative suggestions.

A few ideas of Jennifer‘s to get me OUT and active and meeting people all at the same time are to:

• Go to the Driving Range after work and hit a few balls.
• Find a Hiking Group and join them for weekend hikes.
• Go for a walk on my own or borrow a friend’s dog to take for a walk and actually make eye contact, smile and say ‘hello’ to people when I am out and about (scary concept for the VanCity cats, I know).
• Join a Team Sport, with people I don’t know, like beach volleyball or dragon boating.

Not so outdoorsy, but goes well with the non-processed food, healthy eating part of my New Year’s Resolution, Jennifer also suggested singles cooking classes.  Definitely trying that one out.

Loving these ideas!  Especially as they get me outdoors and active and outside my comfort zone of my true blue friends (whom I love and adore, but am very quickly becoming the crazy spinster aunt to all their children).  Off to try my first one today (after the footie match that just started).  Found a hiking group and am going on my first hike with them.  Wish me luck!

Kisses,

Emme xoxo

A few of you that have been reading for awhile, will know that I have been seeking balance in my life for sometime and have spent the past year working with personal coach, Jennifer Priest, to achieve just that. (because goodness only knows I can’t help myself – I say that facetiously, as the reality is that coaching only works if you are willing to help yourself – sort of like going to the gym).

Jennifer has been wonderful and has brought me a long way from where I was a year ago. I now have a much clearer picture of what I’d like in life, my work world is coming together nicely (and although I still work too much, I am leaving behind my days as a struggle artist), I think about what “I” need and consciously remember that things like good food, exercise and sleep are all things that make me tick and that I need to function effectively. And I take time for me now.

Am I balanced though?  Somethings still feel like they’re missing and although I’m happy, I don’t think I am at the end of this journey.  So Jennifer did a little exercise with me.  She told me to imagine my life as a wheel broken into 8 equal segments.  Each segment represented a different aspect of my life – Physical Environment, Career, Money, Health, Friends & Family, Significant Other / Romance, Personal Growth and Fun & Recreation:

Wheel of Life

I was then supposed to consider each segment and how satisfied I was with it. Well let’s just say that my wheel looked a little wonky. No wonder I was getting where I want to be, as I don’t think it could roll:

My Wheel of Life: January 2010

My personal environment was a mess (my Dad would have been horrified) – unpacked boxes were everywhere from a move two years before, dishes were in the sink, I hadn’t added any personal touches, and my bedroom still looked like that of a university student (aka no ‘real’ bed). My career was taking off, but the money wasn’t there and I was seriously close to burning out. There were plenty of men vying for my attention, but I had absolutely no interest in being in a relationship (there really wasn’t the space for it in my life). And although I wanted fun & recreation and health, the two really went hand in hand, and although I’d have spurts of these, it was in the form of a binge eater, all or nothing.  About the only fully functional segments of the wheel were friends & family and personal growth – so whilst filled with love and challenges, this was not enough to make the wheel roll.

The past five months, I’ve been tackling this beast of a wheel trying to fix it, which is why my writing has been somewhat spotty from time to time. Here’s what I’ve achieved:

• Most of the time now, I don’t stress out over friends spontaneous visits to my doorstep, as the house is generally presentable. And for the first time in my life, at the age of 35, I own my first adult bed.
• My career is moving in a positive and much more manageable direction, mainly due to finally accepting the help of others and working as a part of a team.
• Whilst the nest egg still hasn’t been built, financial matters are being sorted and I don’t need to keep my fingers in so many pies to make ends meet.
• Only just started to augment the regime of fun and entertainment and activities just for me with the onslaught of the sunshine.  Feeling fantastically healthy, as a result.  Very much hoping this is not simply one of my binges.
• As for the romance – still working on that category, but I feel more ready.

My Wheel of Life: June 2010

Thank you Jennifer!

Well, last night it had to all stop, at least for an hour, because it was Earth Hour – a time to shut down all of the electronics for at least an hour.  And I’d written about healthy ways to spend the hour, so should I not follow my own advice.  At 9:10, I began the ritual of turning off all the power (aside from the heat and the refrigerator) and I began to light candles. At 9:31, I shut down the iphone and by 9:35 I was climbing into a steaming hot bubble bath, basked in candle light.  I brought absolutely nothing with me, aside from my digital camera.

Setting the Scene

So what does one do in a tub for an hour once you’ve finished photographing the scene?  (Gentlemen – don’t answer that.)  Well, I just lay there and soaked in the steaming hot water, bathed by the gentle flickering of the candlelight, and sipped on my wine.  At first it seemed like an eternity.  My mind kept racing to, “but I’ve got to get this done, oh and theres that story, and I should have already done that, better remember to put that on Monday’s schedule….” Then I became aware of how quiet the world was around me.  My neighbours must be observing Earth Hour too.  But what is that buzzing?  That buzzing that is almost deafening.  Dear God, is that the buzz of all the electricity that I didn’t turn off – the heat and the refrigerator?  Wow, is it loud and incessant.  Is it always there? And then, at long last, my mind turned off and I finally started to relax. Really relax and unwind.  I could have spent the whole night there, had the bath water not turned cold.  As it was, I was there for an hour and 20-minutes.  An hour and 20-minutes of pure uninterrupted ‘me’ time. No phones, no emails, no tweets.  And how did I feel?  Incredible!  I felt like a whole new person.

mmmmmm......

So aside from understanding just how much electricity I use as one person, which seems to be a rather greedy amount, I was reminded of how unhealthy the race paced, electronically driven world that I (we) live in is.  So I am now going to make an attempt to honour my own Earth Hour once a week – either on my own or with a friend. And I have to say, I am really looking forward to it.

I am resolving to change this in the New Year.  I have to change this in the New Year for my own health.  You see, all that unhealthy living has resulted in my feeling quite uncomfortable, as my belly has grown uncomfortably large, and the good doctor tells me it is dangerous for ones heart to carry too much around your waist.

This doesn’t change my philosophies on body images. I still don’t believe in dieting, but rather am a fan of healthy living, including good food and exercise. And I think bodies of all shapes, sizes and ages can be beautiful and sexy. My body, however, is feeling uncomfortable and unhealthy to me, so it’s time for a change and hence, a New Year’s Resolution.

My New Year’s Resolution: To return to my normally toned and healthy feeling self.

How: By getting fresh air and exercise at least 6 days a week and eating healthily.

Evaluation: To stick to my goals, stay on task and for added incentive, I will be photo documenting this New Year’s resolution every two weeks on flickr. Come cheer me on.

Any of you that have New Year’s Resolutions of your own and want a bit of incentive, accountability and support, come and join the 2010 New Year’s Resolution Group I’ve set up on flickr.

Love and Light,

Emme xoxo

The debonair and thoughtful Stefan, recently sent me this word play on my name:

Very sweet of him and amidst a lot of tough decisions this brought a smile to my face.  I just didn’t get why Stefan would see me as ‘mature’, especially since I like to think of myself as a modern day Peter Pan.  Then I thought about the last few weeks and the decisions that were facing me and I got it.  Even though, I am having more fun then ever and enjoy a lot of laughter and silliness, I, in part enjoy that because I’ve grown up.

A big thank you to Stefan and Jennifer for allowing me to see that maturing is a good thing!

When the chips are down as women, we often seek each others companionship out to vent, drink, cry in each others arms and let loose.  I certainly have those gal pals and when I had a bit of a stumble a few weeks back, it was those gals that were there to help pick me up, dust me off and apply the bandages. I don’t know what I would have done without them.

Photo by Jill Watson

I, however, am also the girl thats grown up as the tomboy, meaning that I have a certain ease and comfort with men that has meant that some of my best friends are also guys.  The guys were there too.  They hugged me, listened to me, and handed me the hard liquor, but I couldn’t really talk to them about what was going on.  They’d just get mad and seemed somewhat irrationally overprotective of me.  It was nice to know that I was loved, but didn’t go so well with me talking it through and I tend to have a habit of processing aloud.

At any rate, as I have returned to a more zenful state of being thanks to my friends (both male and female), family, Jennifer Priest and the most loving little cat, I’ve had a bit more of a chance to reflect, and have started to recognize why the men in my life were so mad and it went far deeper then just simply their feelings of love and protectiveness towards me, and here I simply chalked it up to them being irrationally overprotective initially.  I also started realizing how deeply they really understood me, seeing far below the surface.

Perhaps the two that this rang deepest with were my Dad and one of my oldest buddies.  Dad’s been trying to tell me to slow down and take a holiday for weeks in a subtle manner and I didn’t  realize just how badly I needed it until I burst into tears when he said it more directly on the phone the other day.  Thinking maybe I should have listened to him a bit sooner.  And then there was my old buddy, who kept telling me I needed to start writing even if I didn’t publish what I wrote.  I didn’t want to as when I’m feeling raw, I am most honest with myself, vulnerable and reflective when I’m writing and I wasn’t sure I could handle that, was scared of what I  might discover and of the emotions that might come with it.

Photo by Gina Biancaniello

Well, I had to start writing Thursday  in my coaching prep form for @JenniferPriest and I was amazed in the session that followed at the realizations that came out.  Feeling a whole lot stronger now and ready to start cautiously writing again.  Also going to start doing a little more listening to what the men in my life are saying.  They are far more insightful and deeper then I think I gave them credit for.

Photo by Lola May

You can imagine, I took that a little personally, but once I calmed down, it got me thinking.  There are times when I don’t like my online voice, when I find that it gets a little shallow.  You know what I’m talking about – all glitz, glam, sparkle and shine.  That’s not me, but it is easy to write and provides a simple standby when my life gets too busy.

Photo by ShellyS

Whys it been busy?  Because I’ve got a new fellow in my life that I’m spending the time that normally goes into writing with.  A little ironic really.  He starts reading, as he starts to date me, and I neglect my voice in lieu of spending time with him.  No wonder he doesn’t like my online voice.  ‘She’ hasn’t been me this past little bit, but rather a shallow substitute filling in for me in my absence.  I plan on rectifying that.  My sincerest apologies.

Kisses,

Emme xoxo

PS Thanks Jennifer! Talking this through in this past weeks coaching session, really helped me to process this, think about it rationally and reflect on myself.  Meant when I talked to him about it, I could talk calmly and rationally and hear what he was saying.

Teddy

Meet Teddy – one of my grandest friends in the world!  He’s the most lovable, huggable Canadian Toon Town bear that there ever was.  He and his cat, Beams, are two of Fuzzywiggle Furrypants and my best friends.  Fuzzy’s and I generally make a point of stopping in for a Toon Town visit once or twice a year.

Teddy and I at Fox & Hounds

So how did I meet Teddy?  In the most glamorous of fashions, of course.  Hobnobbing at the Banff Television Festival.  Guessing most of you are picturing us dressed up all fancy at some well to do function (I’m calling it a ‘function’ as thats more hoity toity than a ‘party’) in the Rockies – you know, him in a top hat and tails with an eye monocle, of course, and me looking like I just walked off a runway in Paris.  The reality?  I think it included (although I must note here that it is a little fuzzy – altitude you know) late night, drunken revelry at the St James Gate with my favourite Canadian film folk, the Saskatchewan boys (and girl).

At any rate, somehow dear Teddy won his way into my heart despite frequent ploys to get me in my swimsuit and lounging  in the hot springs (my downfall in this was the words ‘hot springs’ – clearly another weakness of mine along with Teddy’s hugs).  And so the downwards spiral begins with regular Toon Town visits and adventures with Teddy that can only be described as our very own Griswold Family Vacations.

A few highlights from the latest Griswold Family Vacation:

• Teddy announcing to me that, “It’s a good thing were not a couple, as our sex life would suck.”

I would like to note here to all future suitors:  This is not because I suck in bed (or in Teddy’s defense that he sucks in bed).  We’ve never really taken our relationship into the bedroom (we’ll thats a lie cause we have – okay, now I sound like a tramp. To clarify here:  our relationship has gone into the bedroom, but fully clothed – okay I was wearing the towel the one time – wow this sounds bad to my virtue.  OK heres how it is, our relationship has gone into the bedroom in a bath towel, but in the most platonic of fashions – we were doing a photo shoot – and NO not those kind of photos, I’m not that girl. IE TEDDDY AND I HAVE NEVER HAD SEX).  So to make a long story short, we don’t know how each other is in bed.  Teddy just has a habit of being sick whenever I visit and I always seem to have my period when I visit.

Bath Towel Photo Shoot

• Our first ever hotel room together with a view of (no joke) the indoor children’s water amusement park.

Darn good thing the two of us weren’t looking for a little ‘rendezvous’.  The sounds of children screaming might have broken the mood.

A Room with a View

• Teddy loosing all hearing to a head cold and shouting everywhere we went.

My favourite was his conversation with his Mom into his cell phone at the top of his lungs in public about diarrhea.  It was a very proud moment for me to be on his arm.

Friday Night at the Doctor's

• Teddy telling his dear Mom that he was thinking of moving in with me in Van City.

No wonder she thinks were dating. TEDDY!!!!!

• Teddy’s response to the suggestion that a personal coach might help him follow a healthier lifestyle, “Oh I’ll see a personal coach if she’s hot and cute.  Better yet, you could be my personal coach.”  Once again, he did this in front of his 78 year old mother!!!

Teddy – take note, a proper personal coach needs to be accredited. Me giving you advice whilst wearing a skimpy towel generally isn’t as effective.  Please see my conversation with @cognoscento Try Jennifer Priest.  She’s hot, cute and a professional.

• The incorrigible Teddy at his Mom’s and my discussion on how he needed to eat healthier and get more exercise, “Bed wrestling is a good full body workout and not at all stressful on the joints.”

Honestly!!!!  And he told me that I’d have to be the one to break it to his parents that we aren’t dating!  I wonder where they ever got that idea!?!

Love you Teddy! (and you too Beams)

Emme xoxo

Photo by Sarah Azavezza

Depression is a very normal thing.  It is not something to hide or be embarrassed about – whether with yourself or in your family.  In fact to overcome depression and better understand it, it is so important to talk about it.  It is not all in your head and is not part of your imagination.  It is a very real condition that all of us struggle with to one degree or another at some point in our life’s.  It is for this reason that I am so pleased and proud of my friends Raul Pacheco and Isabella Mori for organizing the first ever Mental Health Camp.

What? A conference about the intersection of social media and mental health.

When? 9 am – 6 pm  Saturday April 25, 2009

Where? Workspace:  #400 – 21 Water Street in Gastown, Vancouver

Who? Anyone who suffers from depression or has a family member or close friend who suffers from depression.

A couple of things I have learned from living with depression my whole life and with the odd bout with it myself:

• Get Regular Exercise
• Eat Well & Healthily
• Get Fresh Air & Sunshine
• Take a Break & Get Out
• Talk About It
• Don’t be Afraid to Ask for Help

Photo by Lola May

I had a scary little bout of depression a few years back that terrified me, because I knew what was wrong, but I didn’t know how to escape from it.  Finally my Dad said to me, “I think your depressed”, at which point I burst into tears and said I was.  He saved me that day as it didn’t take him long to find the source of the problem – I hadn’t taken a proper day off in over two months.

Recently, even though I haven’t had any depression, I have been getting a little extra help.  I’ve been seeing personal coach, Jennifer Priest.  This is the first time I’ve ever seen or talked to a professional and I wish I’d done it years ago.  I’m loving it!  She encourages me to speak and work through my thoughts aloud and be more introspective. I feel more relaxed, happier and focussed.  We talk about everything from work to relationships to living with depression.

My one piece of advice, if you have depression in your life, don’t sweep it under the rug, talk about it.

Thanks Raul, Isabella and Jennifer for starting the conversation!

For the first time this winter, in a number of years, I’ve been actually dating someone (Yes, I have dated people – just not for some reason between November – March).  Nice fellow – educated, thoughtful, interesting, hardworking, good job – loved his company.  Exactly the kind of guy that I wanted in my life.  Only problem was that for the first time since my ex of 4 1/2 years, I was lonely.  Painfully lonely.  Even when it had been only me and Fuzzy’s, I’d never been lonely.

He was what I wanted though.  I’d finally met whom I was looking for and I finally felt ready to share my life with someone, so I deluded myself into thinking the loneliness was just that yearning to be with him, my potential soul mate (that I might add never seemed to have enough time for me).

Well, through having worked with personal coach, Jennifer Priest, I’ve been gaining a better look and perspective on my own life, my habits, and learning to take control of my own destiny.  So after a month and a half of deluding myself and making excuses for him and his absences, I finally poised the question, “Are we just good friends, rather than lovers?” … well, it wasn’t the answer I wanted to hear, but it was the answer I needed to hear.

Word of advice to all though, probably not the best the idea to break up and then go out on a date with them three nights later.  Also if your not that ‘in to somebody’ you just broke up with, probably best not to:

• suggest you go to the late show, so you can spend a long, leisurely dinner chatting
• to greet and say farewell to them with a kiss on the lips
• ask them to call you as soon as they return from their trip

Trust me this will just fuck them up or in my case, fuck me up for another three-weeks.

Love Jennifer’s advice.  Many people told me to keep playing the game with him, play it coy ..etc and see where it goes, while dating other people, in case there was still something there.  Problem is this doesn’t work for me.  I am totally Miss Monogamous.  When I like someone, I find it really difficult to be attracted to anyone else or even notice the existence of anyone else.  I needed to know, because I didn’t want to repeat my cycle of spending months stuck on a one-sided crush.  So Jennifer rather then telling me that to ask him ‘if there was still something there and if our break up was simply due to post divorce jitters (or as I termed it being ‘fucked up from his divorce’)’ was the wrong move, told me that if thats what I needed then she’d support me.  And support me she did.  She got me to walk through the conversation with her.  Damn smart of her I might add, as I pretty quickly learned what came across as sounding needy.

Photo taken by Christian V.

How did the conversation go?  I never actually had it.  I did call and we did play phone tag for a bit, and it was then that I realized just how lonely and insecure he made me feel.  I don’t want to be that girl.  Obviously not the guy for me.  I do thank him for finally having the balls (excuse my crassness) to finally let me go.  I also realized that there have been moments where I too have been guilty of stringing someone else along that I just wasn’t all that in to.  I endeavour not to make that mistake in the future.

And Jennifer – thanks for the discovery!