A Woman’s Guide to How to Pee Into a Cup

Now first off, sadly this post was not inspired by a road trip and the need to pee in a cup due to dodgy road side washrooms or an epic race of some sort.  No, this is one of those cups one pees into in a medical lab, in my case inspired by peeing blood a few weekends ago. So needless to say I was feeling crappy and totally stressed at the time.

Now for those of you that are screaming out, “Oh my goodness, are you okay???”  Yes, I am. Thanks for your concern. As it would turn out, for whatever reason, my period decided to come two-weeks early, scaring the hell out of me due to the blood coming just after a night of vomiting, thanks to eating something bad.  Not a waste on tax payers dollars though, as it would turn out my pee showed up a very real bladder or urinary tract infection or some such, so no wonder I was feeling so crappy.

At any rate, all that icky stuff aside, I learned a valuable lesson in how to pee in a cup (for ladies), which is not as straight forward as one would think. I arrived at the Medical Lab and was simply handed a cup and a wet nap (which I assumed was to clean the outside of the cup once I was done), as the woman mumbled something about sticking the cup in the fridge on my way out. Okay, not terribly friendly, but she spent her day dealing with people’s pee, pooh, and blood, so I’d let it slide.

 

Photo courtesy of Amanda (aka @pinprick on flickr).

 

Well, I wasn’t quite so understanding of her once I had sat down on the loo, squeezed out the little bit of pee remaining in my bladder into the cup, only to spot the sign telling me to wipe my privates with the wet nap before peeing and then catch my pee mid stream.  All this was written in an area that one would only notice when reaching for the toilet paper. Are you serious?!? Now having no pee left in me and feeling like crap, I was pissed off.  Why had the woman at the desk not told me this???  Quite frankly, she is lucky to have a job and should take pride in doing it properly. By not telling patients what to do with their specimens, you risk wasting thousands in tax payers dollars.  And you know what, if you are uncomfortable with telling people how to pee, then you quite frankly have no business working in a Medical Lab.

Later that day on my second visit to the doctors, due to peeing more blood. I learned that the wiping of your privates and catching of the pee mid stream, was to make sure that what they were capturing in the cup was your actual pee (and possible blood within), and not period blood. Makes sense, but most of us that are feeling crappy aren’t going to know or think of the nuances of how to pee in a cup properly, unless we are told.

So to recap …

For the peer:

  • When handed your cup, ask if there are any special instructions for peeing.
  • Wipe your privates with the wet nap before peeing.
  • Catch pee midstream and remove the cup before the end of the flow.
  • Seal the cup and place it in the fridge provided.

 

Photo courtesy of Adam Currell.

 

For the person handing out cups at the Medical Lab:

  • Do your job and tell us what is expected of our peeing-style, and if you are not prepared to do that, find a new job as you are not doing yours properly.

Kisses,

Emme  xoxo