Dating Advice From Men: Your Car

I have been blessed in life with some incredible male friends.  The kind that I can talk to candidly about everything, and that I have, at times to their chagrin.  In our twenties this really revolved around me sitting on the couch and acting as Dr. Ruth to them, as they ventured out into the world of understanding the female mind and navigating the boudoir.  In our early thirties, it was them trying to vent about their marital issues with me and me doing my best not to clock them up side the head and shake the realization into them that ‘it’s not all about them any longer, they have a family, and despite whatever delusions they had at play in their head, yes, they have always been the family wagon kind of guy.’  Now that we’ve reached our mid to late thirties, the tables have turned, and they’ve been focusing their attention on sorting out my dating life, so they don’t have the wife and the purely platonic, absolutely no sex mistress to feel responsible for (ie. me).

Photo by Don LaVange

So one of my oldest and dearest male confidants was chatting with me the other day, and knowing that I love to cook and am in my element in the kitchen, was wondering why I had yet to invite the current fellow over for a meal.  I blushed and admitted I had been working so much that the house was dangerously approaching something out of Hoarders (and before you’re totally aghast at me, I exaggerate, a wee bit anyhow). It was then that he smacked me in the face (metaphorically) with a violently shocking epiphany.

“If your concerned with him realizing that you can be a bit messy at times (I’ve decided in my head that the term ‘slob’ was not used), then maybe it’s your car that you should be more concerned of.  That is the first impression he’ll get of your habitat and men are meticulous about their cars.”

Really?  Do men really judge us gals on the condition of our cars?  Men do realize that a car for us gals is an extension of our handbags, don’t they?

Was hit by this epiphany with a stream of alarm sirens blaring in my head.  Dear God, if this was true, the horror was hitting me of what all the previous suitors had thought of me and what impression I’d already given this guy.

A typical view of my backseat, filled with plants and other odd items.

Maybe this was just my buddy …. and my Dad …. and my brother-in-law … and the Limp Burrito (aka Spanish Stallion).  My brother, after all is a car slob, constantly treating the floor of my Mom’s and my cars as a dustbin.  So what’s the truth gentlemen?  Do you judge us gals on the cleanliness of our cars?

Yours inquiringly,

Emme xoxo

PS. Did a wee reconnaissance on the current suitor’s car the other night and was horrified to discover that it was impeccably tidy inside.

It’s Always the Innocent Ones …

Have you ever noticed that it is always the innocent ones …. ?

Meet Lola May – one of my best gal pals! Finally she comes out to play and as her first post says she is the seemingly innocent one of the three of us gals. Settled down with two kids, a dog, a cat, a fellow – the white picket fence – no joke – there is a white picket fence. She even has an innocent job – a librarian of all things – the stereotypic “good girl”. They’re the ones you have to watch!

White Picket Fence

Enter Lola May’s birthday party. What year was it Lola?

I must say I haven’t been to a birthday quite like it since my 28th, which might have been worse (or better depending on how you look at at), but I digress we were talking about Lola’s party.

Birthday Candles

Not sure what was in the air that night, but it was definitely a different night. Started with a call from Kittyn, telling me to grab the camera and come downtown. There I meet Tanja Diamond the tantra teacher – I have mentioned that my life is rarely dull, haven’t I? Apparently I was to be taught the secret to unleashing the orgasm. Don’t worry -I got it all on tape and will post it in the next few days.

So the night gets off to a steamy start, but Kittyn and I are still two of the first to arrive at Lola’s birthday. Always a flash back to my hippie days in university with a mellow crowd of librarians, teachers, professors and engineers. I grab a glass of sangria and wander to enjoy myself by the fire with another librarian friend of mine – the Cherry Blossom. I’m there 2 seconds and the librarian loudly proclaims that she’d like lap dancing classes at her stagette and she looks at me expectingly. Apparently I am the expert in such things!?! How am I supposed to know where one finds such things? The librarians, so sweet and innocent looking, yet obviously the wolf in lamb’s clothing – no wonder she has captured the attention of the Spanish Stallion.

To my greater shock – I am told to sit in a chair in the center of the room and would I mind slightly spreading my legs. Before I knew it a rather sultry feline was demonstrating for the bride-to-be how to give a lap dance on innocent little me!!! Not quite sure what was in the sangria, but this didn’t seem to happen to anyone else that sat in that chair that night. Despite a few hopeful looking men that kept eagerly-looking around the room with their legs straddled open nicely as they sat.

Now the scandal had only just begun. I merely turn my head to catch a glimpse of Tiny Tim. A soft spoken, gentle giant that was give pole and floor dancing demonstrations for the room! No joke! He pushed out his chest and strutted through the room to find a wall, upon which we were shown just how well he could wiggle his bottom and gyrate his hips. Before we knew it, he was on his knees, tossing his head about and gently pushing his bottom backwards. My words clearly cannot do this performance justice – you had to be there!

What madness filled the air this past Valentines weekend!?! Had the holiday unleashed the scent of mammalian pheromones in the breeze or was this just a typical evening out in the home of Lola the (not so seemingly innocent) Librarian!?!