Launching Rescue Mission for My Two-Legger

As a goddess who treads this earth but is in no way limited to it, I am ruled by no earthly power – the very idea of such a circumstance is worthy of my most withering look. I especially disdain that meager contraption that elicits such fear and trepidation from my two-legger: what they call “the clock”. One glance at this piddling trifle sends my two-legger into a blogging frenzy, leaving me – ethereal goddess of immaculate perfection – short on my daily offerings of love and libations of exotic liqueurs. As you know, I am partial to the cool sweet milky stuff, but no sign of it for days! The priorities of bi-pedals go so easily awry.

A Withering Look From a Feline is a Force to be Reckoned With - Photo by Eva

I will not stand the denial my rightful shower of love by that unimpressive pseudo-deity they call “the clock”. At its unspoken command, my two-legger appears to be engaging in a face-off with the blogger machine. As her sole proprietor and role model, I believe the task to detach her inferior claws from the clickety-clack at the blogger falls upon my sleek and lustrous shoulders. She must be reminded, yet again, of her duties to me, and that there are now sunny spots aplenty to cuddle me in.

I will make this two-legger led astray an offer she cannot refuse. I will station myself in all my feline glory in front of her blogger screen and pontificate at length about the evils of not preening oneself many times a day. My divine apparition will demonstrate all she is missing by ignoring me. I would not invest in the education of most two-leggers. Between daily preens and sleeps there are only so many hours in a day for such philanthropy; I must admit, however, a minor chink in my goddessy armour: I do have a soft spot for this one.

FFR’s Wiley Weekly Word: Abscond

Hello furless wonders,

Welcome to my new space.  Well mine, & I guess my human’s, new space.

Ordered the human to take this pic.

Ordered the human to take this pic.

I think we may have gotten off on the wrong foot on Sexy in Vancity, as I really am rather adorable.  I mean I am purrfect after all.  I just get a little cranky when Kittyn is around.  She has a tendency to stroke me the wrong way and make my hair stand up on end.  And the nerve to call herself ‘Kittyn’!!!  I mean really!  How can you possibly be so arrogant as to give yourself a name so fabulously feline when you’re a mere two-legger.

As far as two-leggers go, I have to admit I am rather fond of mine.  She’s not purrfect, like me, but then she’s not a cat. She can’t sit still for very long, forgets to serve me the bowls of icy cold milky stuff first, and has a tendency to go out gallivanting for ridiculously long stretches, as opposed to attending to all my needs, like a good human should.  She does, however, cuddle rather nicely, so I suppose I can overlook her short comings.

I am concerned about her writing as of late though.  She keeps writing about Vancouver events, radio shows and films and I really do find them to be rather a bore.  I am so much more worldly than that and I do want her to finish her book so that she keeps me well fed in the finest of feline cuisine along with the rather sumptuous tandoori chicken from the meat man down the road.  It is for these reasons that I feel that it is important for me to become her muse and start swatting her into action (I do, of course, mean literally). In this endeavor, I’m starting my own weekly column – Wiley Weekly Word.

This Week’s Word: Abscond

Abscond: To suddenly & secretly disappear, so as not to get caught. (ie. Think golden slobbering canine and an unwatched slab of meat)

‘My human tries to abscond with a bowl of icy cool milky stuff in the dead of night, but alas she lacks the prowess & stealth of the feline (rather she sounds a little like a clutsy elephant), so is none too secretive about her crime (because it is a crime to eat icy cool milky stuff without sharing it with the feline Goddess).’

6-leggeds abscond with the stocking (not likely in my house, as I rather fancy the crunchiness of 6-leggeds)  Photo Stolen from Archie McPhee

6-leggeds abscond with the stocking (not likely in my house, as I rather fancy the crunchiness of 6-leggeds) Photo Absconded from Archie McPhee

FFR

Cat Fights, Love Letters & a Winter Date Write Off

Okay after some hissing, yowling, spitting, and scratching we have come to a compromise.

Meow – FFR here.

Hey Fuzzy ….ouch ….okay Fab Feline Royale it is then – just don’t swat my writing hands, these are what pay for your top of the market, gourmet kitty chow.  Okay everyone, ‘FFR’ wants you to know that all the hissing, yowling, spitting and scratching came from Kittyn, who apparently is having issues about being told she is no longer the top cat in these parts. My official statement, however, is one of gushing pride that my fuzzy, little child is so brilliant as to learn how to type and write English. OUCH…. okay, okay ‘FFR’, I will stop gushing, but there is NO WAY I am referring to you as the Master.

cat fight 1 by audreym.
Definitely Reminiscent of Kittyn & FFR earlier
Photo by Audrey M

So we digress, our compromise, post cat fight from the two divas – is that it is now ‘Love Letter to the gals & Goddes… OUCH…..Okay ….’Love Letters to the Goddess & gals‘ …. and NO ‘FFR’, I am NOT putting ‘& gals’ in brackets.

To encourage you cats to write us cats loads of Valentines, we have a new contest announcement.  Cypress Mountain has given us four passes for the Chocolate Fondue Snowshoe Tour. Thanks Cypress! Apparently Lola & ‘FFR’ don’t do snow, so Kittyn & I are giving away two dates to two lucky Vancouverites to join us this coming Saturday night – February 7th.  Yes – apparently this is the only way we can get dates, we’re not dwelling on that though.

lodge by ToddBF.

Hollyburn Lodge on Cypress Mountain

Photo by Todd Farrell

Heres how to win.  Write a love letter to any of us …..OUCH….. NO I am not saying to the Goddess – your not even coming on the date .. thats to any of us – the Goddess (see I mentioned you first). Kittyn, Lola or myself by Thursday noon.  We will then select our two favorite love letters to accompany us on the date.  We’ll announce this by midnight Thursday.

Send your love letters to: goddess@sexyinvancity.com, kittyn@sexyinvancity.com, lola@sexyinvancity.com or emme@sexyinvancity.com and we will post them. Alternatively you can send them via twitter, facebook or flickr (yes that means carefully selected photos will be considered love letters too).

Oh and ladies – you’re eligible too.  A Dose of Lunacy? Madame Strutt? Canadian Coal Girl?  You know you sexy things are just dying to go on a date with me – so get writing.

14_23_36 by freedryk.
Snowshoeing at Cypress Mountain
Photo by Jordan Dawe

In case, you’re curious here are the details on the date you’d win:

What: Chocolate Fondue Snowshoe Tour at Cypress Mountain with Kittyn & Emme

When: Saturday February 7th, 2009 from 6:30 – 9:30 pm

Where: Cypress Mountain

From the Cypress Website: Experience a 1.5 hr snowshoe through the woods and glades of Hollyburn Plateau on your way to the warming hut.  First we’ll warm up from the inside with a mug of steaming hot chocolate or spiced apple cider.  Then enjoy a dessert of chocolate fondue with a variety of fruits and angel food cake; surrounded by romantic candle-light and soaking up the heat of a traditional wood-burning stove.