I am sure it won’t come as any great surprise that there was a reason for my query and even less surprising that I harbour an opinion. You see, I have a friend that I believe is in an unhealthily controlling relationship (in the lover kind of sense). She has become a shadow of herself. Of course, she doesn’t see this and sees me as the one with a problem as I’m not in a relationship. She told me relationships are all about compromises.

So my opinion? I whole heartedly disagree. I think healthy relationships are accepting and celebrating in one another’s differences. It is our differences that make relationships interesting and help us grow as people. Of course, to accept one another’s differences, communication is key and you can’t always have things your way. You need to do things with your lover in mind.

Photo by Adam Foster

Why does compromise scare me so much? The majority of you, that are likely (unlike me) in a relationship, said compromise is key, yet I continue to dig my heels in the sand and disagree. Compromise scares me, because I see my friend losing herself. She is compromising all of herself and has become a shadow of herself. I see this, not only because I love her, but because I was losing myself to compromise in my last relationship and it terrifies me that if I was still there that I would have lost myself by now. Don’t get me wrong, despite being a Princess from time-to-time, I do understand the need for compromise and don’t always have to have things my way (that’s only the other 90% of the time). Where the danger lies is in when you start to compromise yourself. Too much compromise is a very dangerous thing.

Anyhow, those are my 2 cent.

For the first time this winter, in a number of years, I’ve been actually dating someone (Yes, I have dated people – just not for some reason between November – March).  Nice fellow – educated, thoughtful, interesting, hardworking, good job – loved his company.  Exactly the kind of guy that I wanted in my life.  Only problem was that for the first time since my ex of 4 1/2 years, I was lonely.  Painfully lonely.  Even when it had been only me and Fuzzy’s, I’d never been lonely.

He was what I wanted though.  I’d finally met whom I was looking for and I finally felt ready to share my life with someone, so I deluded myself into thinking the loneliness was just that yearning to be with him, my potential soul mate (that I might add never seemed to have enough time for me).

Well, through having worked with personal coach, Jennifer Priest, I’ve been gaining a better look and perspective on my own life, my habits, and learning to take control of my own destiny.  So after a month and a half of deluding myself and making excuses for him and his absences, I finally poised the question, “Are we just good friends, rather than lovers?” … well, it wasn’t the answer I wanted to hear, but it was the answer I needed to hear.

Word of advice to all though, probably not the best the idea to break up and then go out on a date with them three nights later.  Also if your not that ‘in to somebody’ you just broke up with, probably best not to:

• suggest you go to the late show, so you can spend a long, leisurely dinner chatting
• to greet and say farewell to them with a kiss on the lips
• ask them to call you as soon as they return from their trip

Trust me this will just fuck them up or in my case, fuck me up for another three-weeks.

Love Jennifer’s advice.  Many people told me to keep playing the game with him, play it coy ..etc and see where it goes, while dating other people, in case there was still something there.  Problem is this doesn’t work for me.  I am totally Miss Monogamous.  When I like someone, I find it really difficult to be attracted to anyone else or even notice the existence of anyone else.  I needed to know, because I didn’t want to repeat my cycle of spending months stuck on a one-sided crush.  So Jennifer rather then telling me that to ask him ‘if there was still something there and if our break up was simply due to post divorce jitters (or as I termed it being ‘fucked up from his divorce’)’ was the wrong move, told me that if thats what I needed then she’d support me.  And support me she did.  She got me to walk through the conversation with her.  Damn smart of her I might add, as I pretty quickly learned what came across as sounding needy.

Photo taken by Christian V.

How did the conversation go?  I never actually had it.  I did call and we did play phone tag for a bit, and it was then that I realized just how lonely and insecure he made me feel.  I don’t want to be that girl.  Obviously not the guy for me.  I do thank him for finally having the balls (excuse my crassness) to finally let me go.  I also realized that there have been moments where I too have been guilty of stringing someone else along that I just wasn’t all that in to.  I endeavour not to make that mistake in the future.

And Jennifer – thanks for the discovery!