So a little while ago, I poised this question and posted this twitter poll:
I am sure it won’t come as any great surprise that there was a reason for my query and even less surprising that I harbour an opinion. You see, I have a friend that I believe is in an unhealthily controlling relationship (in the lover kind of sense). She has become a shadow of herself. Of course, she doesn’t see this and sees me as the one with a problem as I’m not in a relationship. She told me relationships are all about compromises.
So my opinion? I whole heartedly disagree. I think healthy relationships are accepting and celebrating in one another’s differences. It is our differences that make relationships interesting and help us grow as people. Of course, to accept one another’s differences, communication is key and you can’t always have things your way. You need to do things with your lover in mind.
Photo by Adam Foster
Why does compromise scare me so much? The majority of you, that are likely (unlike me) in a relationship, said compromise is key, yet I continue to dig my heels in the sand and disagree. Compromise scares me, because I see my friend losing herself. She is compromising all of herself and has become a shadow of herself. I see this, not only because I love her, but because I was losing myself to compromise in my last relationship and it terrifies me that if I was still there that I would have lost myself by now. Don’t get me wrong, despite being a Princess from time-to-time, I do understand the need for compromise and don’t always have to have things my way (that’s only the other 90% of the time). Where the danger lies is in when you start to compromise yourself. Too much compromise is a very dangerous thing.
Anyhow, those are my 2 cent.
Rob J says
It’s a pretty complex discussion. And I am sorry for your friend, hoping that something good happens to break her out of her cycle.
I don’t necessarily think that the word ‘compromise’ is a term akin to selling one’s soul. But, I do think that compromise has to be understood and undertaken by both parties while in a loving relationship. All too often, the person who decrees that ‘relationships are all about compromise’ is the person doing all of the compromising. This is when things get destructive, when power vacuums open up, creating the kind of harmful situations you’re describing in your post.
In my mind, a key element to this is that loving relationships are not about controlling someone else. There is a vast chasm of difference between allowing space for someone else’s priorities while in relationship with them, and making one’s relationship into a battle of wills, or in abdicating one’s own values in order to maintain that relationship whatever the cost.
Thanks for the post, Emme. 🙂
Phillip says
My advice to your friend is to listen to Dr. Drew on Loveline – a call in show about sex, health and relationships. What is likely is that her current situation and expectations of a relationship is based on what she observed growing up.
http://www.lovelineshow.com
Loxy says
I figure each person need to compromise a third of the way there.. and then accept the rest.