I love being single. Meeting new people, feeling that bubble of nervousness, lots of romance and I get to experience this over and over again? Yes, please! Don’t get me wrong: I dream of one day meeting someone who I clicked with and everything that comes with the white picket fence. Until that day happens, however, I’m soaking in every minute of my singledom. This all stated, I have a bone to pick with the dating scene, at least dating in Vancouver: what is so wrong about telling someone you just aren’t interested in them romantically? I’m a big girl I can take it and I expect that you’re an adult and can understand the same when I feel that way.
Everything seems to be going great for a few weeks when, all of a sudden, radio silence ensues. Now I’m not so invested after two weeks that I’m devastated by this. My issue comes from the waiting. I don’t want be wondering why someone isn’t calling, agonizing over it and I don’t deserve that when a simple, “I don’t think we’ll suit” would do just dandy. Maybe this puts me in the minority, but when did honesty, in a relationship or when dating, become passé? I have friends who tell me, “Don’t worry! You just need to learn how to play the game.” Well, I don’t want to play any games. I want to be as open with someone as I can, because if this is going to have any shot at being more than a fling, I need to be.
I’ve had trouble with the other side of this too. Last week, I had a first date dinner with someone I had met and corresponded online with for a few weeks. I knew I was not interested in seeing him romantically and so when he texted me later that night to go out again I answered honestly: “I had fun tonight, and I’d like to get together again, but it would need to be as friends, as I don’t feel any chemistry between us.” In answer to this I received a litany of obscenities and reprimands from this man. All of a sudden I was the “cause of all misogyny and misandry in the world” because I had leaned in during dinner signalling that I wanted to sleep with him. Really?! You’re reading my body language for trying to be engaged in the conversation rather than my ACTUAL WORDS!?! The worst is that I felt guilty for this, for being honest. Could I have said it in a better way? Maybe, but this man had already told me he wanted a full-blown relationship after one date, so maybe there isn’t anyway to say it that he wouldn’t have taken offence to.
A few months ago I had a fantastic experience following a first date where someone actually was completely honest the way I have been. After asking him on a second date, this man replied that a long-time crush had just expressed interest in him and he wanted to pursue that, and he wasn’t the type of man to see two women at once. Wow! This is what I’m after: conversation that makes me feel like the adult I am, rather than a pimply teenager just starting my dating journey. I thanked him for his candour and we have been friends ever since!
Oh Vancouver dating… Can we just put aside all the games and agree to treat people as the unique individuals we are?
Jay says
I agree completely with you on this one tessa, being single is fantastic but as long as you continue going out and meeting new people. It’s never any fun going on a date with someone who wants a full blown relationship right from the beginning, what your doing is right, “being honest” and letting them know that you respect them and enjoy their company never hurts.
Emme Rogers says
Yeah, I was once proposed to, and seriously so on a first date. Was immensely proud of myself for not accidentally spitting my beer out at him, from shock and surprise.
Graham says
Absolutely love this! I could not agree more. As a man I have said these words and had them said to me. It’s honesty and more people should use it. When it was said to me I totally respected them for being up front. When I have said it, it has got mixed results. Some good and some bad. The important thing is that I was honest and I can look myself in a mirror.
Samantha says
Single? – yeah, I also preferred this, but truly now I am looking for an excellent partner. I think now that single is better, but not more than enjoyable partnership.
donna says
Wow! Kudos to you for not being oversensitive when the last guy gave you the not-so-good-news. Anyway, I totally agree with you. I guess some guys might think they are being more of a gentleman if they just don’t call for a 2nd date. And the guessing game is on again. Men must understand that in todays modern times, women can handle rejection too. Being straight to the point is better than leaving you clueless.
Meg says
yeah, I also preferred this, but truly now I am looking for an excellent partner. I think now that single is better, but not more than enjoyable partnership.
Manny says
Anyway, I totally agree with you. I guess some guys might think they are being more of a gentleman if they just don’t call for a 2nd date. And the guessing game is on again. Men must understand that in todays modern times, women can handle rejection too. Being straight to the point is better than leaving you clueless.
Eric Hasten says
These 6 simple words are a lot better than being led on and hoping for something to happen. The single life can be great but in my opinion being in a relationship can be awesome too.
Both sides have pros and cons I suppose 🙂
asnamnat.org says
Hey Emme, thanks for sharing your experiences!
Yes I agree, it is very important to be open and honest in a relationship and also during the dating phase. It can get rather frustrating when someone leaves you hanging indefinitely and you’re not sure what’s going on. I think we’ve all been there at least once. It just shows the persons lack of maturity and courtesy. As for the guy that got angry with you for being honest with him, that’s his issue Emme, and this guy probably has quite a few issues that he needs to sort out before he gets into a serious relationship.
Best wishes
shina says
Anyway, I totally agree with you. I guess some guys might think they are being more of a gentleman if they just don’t call for a 2nd date. And the guessing game is on again.
Purusha says
Its hard to find someone who we match with and sometimes it can take a while to really understand the correct match. If we dont understand ourselves its hard to find the best partner.
Jacob says
Hi Tessa, I simply wanted to write down a quick word to say thanks to you for those wonderful tips and hints you are sharing. Absolutely love this! I could not agree more.
G Maher says
So true. Better to be up front and not waste the other persons time. Let them get on with there life. Great read!
James says
You’ve made some really interesting point Tessa, i really wish people could do this, would have saved me a lot of troubles.